BoumTAC

I Don't Owe Anyone Anything

Published on September 1, 2025

I've recently heard far too much of "I don't owe you anything," and it has deeply troubled me (as well as disappointed me). This phrase, which has become a mantra of modern individualism, deserves serious attention. Far from being a simple assertion of independence, it reveals a toxic mentality that erodes the very foundations of our human relationships and our society.

The illusion of absolute independence

The phrase "I don't owe anyone anything" is based on a fundamental illusion: that of the perfectly autonomous individual who needs no one and owes nothing to anyone. This vision completely ignores the reality of our social interdependence.

From birth, we depend on others for our survival, education, and development. The roads we travel, the schools we attended, the hospitals that treat us, the technologies we use: all of this exists thanks to the collective contributions of millions of people, present and past. To deny this reality is to show dangerous arrogance that cuts us off from our common humanity.

In the professional sphere: the death of collaboration

In business, this mentality translates into the attitude of "I only do my task, period." Take the example of Pierre, an accountant, who discovers a major error in the data provided by the marketing department that will impact the entire project. His reaction? "That's not my problem, I'm only paid to do accounting, not to check their work." He processes the erroneous data without saying anything, knowing full well that it will cause the project to fail.

Or Julien, a developer, who sees that the test server is down and blocking the entire team. "It's not in my job description, I'm not devops. Let them figure it out." He prefers to remain inactive rather than do what he can to help the infrastructure team solve the problem.

This compartmentalized vision ignores a fundamental reality: modern work is holistic. A successful project requires everyone to understand their contribution to the whole and be ready to go beyond the artificial boundaries of their function. When everyone is content with their strict perimeter, it's collective efficiency that suffers.

The company that really works is one where employees adopt a global approach, where they understand that their individual success depends on collective success. The greatest successes are born from this synergy between individuals who accept to see beyond their job description to contribute to the common goal.

In friendships: selfishness disguised as independence

True friendship rests on a delicate balance between giving and receiving, without keeping strict accounts. But what happens when one of the friends systematically adopts the attitude of "I don't owe you anything"?

Imagine Marc, who regularly borrows his friend Paul's car, enjoys his dinner invitations, and solicits his advice in difficult moments. But when Paul goes through a complicated period and needs moral support, Marc responds: "Listen, I'm busy right now, I can't do anything to help you anyway, so good luck." This asymmetry gradually destroys the friendship bond.

Friendship involves natural reciprocity, not calculated but spontaneous. It assumes that we can count on each other in important moments. The one who refuses this principle of reciprocity is not looking for friends, but for providers of free services.

Even more pernicious, this mentality prevents the construction of deep bonds. Authentic friendship is born from shared vulnerability, from the ability to give and receive. The one who barricades himself behind his "I don't owe anyone anything" deprives himself of this relational richness and condemns his relationships to remain superficial.

In romantic relationships: the destruction of intimacy

It's perhaps in the romantic sphere that this mentality wreaks the most havoc. Love, by essence, implies a form of mutual commitment, a willingness to care for the other, to support them, to build together.

Take the example of Thomas and Julie, a couple for two years. Thomas has always been present: he helps Julie financially when she has difficulties, listens to her for hours when she goes through difficult times, organizes outings, makes efforts to maintain the relationship. But when Thomas loses his job and finds himself in a precarious situation, Julie suddenly adopts the attitude of "I don't owe you anything." She refuses to help him, even temporarily, arguing that she is "not responsible for his problems" and that "everyone must manage their own life." This asymmetry reveals the true nature of certain relationships where one constantly gives while the other takes without ever giving back.

In couples, this mentality often translates into a refusal to invest emotionally, to make compromises, or to support the other through trials. "I don't owe you anything" then becomes a shield against true intimacy, a way to maintain emotional distance that prevents the construction of a deep bond.

True love assumes a form of chosen interdependence. We choose to make ourselves mutually indispensable, not out of weakness but out of strength. This is what differentiates a romantic relationship from simple cohabitation. The one who refuses this principle transforms their relationship into a cold transactional arrangement, emptied of all emotional substance.

Moreover, this attitude prevents the personal growth that comes from commitment to the other. It's by accepting our relational responsibilities that we develop our capacity for empathy, our emotional maturity, our ability to truly love.

In society: towards the collapse of social bonds

At the societal level, this mentality contributes to the crumbling of the social fabric. When everyone refuses their obligations toward others, it's the entire solidarity system that collapses. Why pay taxes if "I don't owe anyone anything"? Why respect common rules? Why participate in collective effort?

This logic leads straight to an atomized society where everyone lives in their bubble, distrustful of others, unable to build anything collective. It's the antithesis of civilization, which rests precisely on our ability to go beyond our immediate individual interests to build together.

What we really owe others

Contrary to what this generation claims, hiding behind "I don't owe anyone anything" to avoid all responsibility, we do indeed have fundamental moral obligations toward others.

We owe apologies to those we have hurt. Refusing to apologize on the pretext that we "don't owe anyone anything" is denying the impact of our actions on others and refusing to grow. A sincere apology is not a sign of weakness, but of maturity.

We owe gratitude to those who have been there for us. How many people have benefited from the help, support, and listening of others, only to conveniently forget it afterward? This systematic ingratitude destroys social bonds and discourages generous impulses.

We owe respect to those we have disrespected. Recognizing our wrongs and modifying our behavior is not submission, it's an act of elementary civility.

These obligations are not chains that bind us, but the foundations on which authentic relationships and a harmonious society are built.

The difference between explicit and implicit contracts

We must recognize a fundamental reality: in life, there's only the work contract that is truly defined with precision. It's the only document where everything is explicit: you must come on such a day, from such time to such time, accomplish such specific tasks, and in exchange you receive such salary. Period.

But all the rest of our human relationships rest on implicit, unwritten, approximate "contracts." Friendship, love, family, life in society – none of these relationships come with a precise instruction manual stipulating: "Article 1: in case of difficulty for your friend, you must help them within 48 hours," or "Article 5: after receiving a service, you must return the equivalent within 30 days."

It's precisely this absence of formalization that some use to justify their attitude of "I don't owe anyone anything." Since there's no signed contract, since nothing is written in black and white, they consider that they can free themselves from all obligation.

But just because these social contracts aren't formalized doesn't mean they don't exist or that we can ignore them. On the contrary, it's precisely because they rest on good faith, natural reciprocity and mutual respect that they are more precious than any legal document. They require maturity to be honored without external constraint.

Not "doing one's work" in these relationships on the pretext that there's no written contract reveals profound immaturity and an inability to understand what makes human relationships rich.

The psychological roots of the problem

This attitude often hides a deep fear of vulnerability. Recognizing that we owe something to someone means admitting that we needed help, accepting a certain dependence. For some, this represents a threat to their self-image, to their sense of control.

Paradoxically, this false independence makes one weaker, not stronger. It deprives one of the richness of authentic human relationships, opportunities for personal growth, and the deep satisfaction that comes from contributing to others' well-being.

Toward an ethic of reciprocity

The alternative to this toxic mentality is not to become a doormat or let ourselves be exploited. It's to recognize that we are all interdependent, that we have all benefited from others' help, and that we have a responsibility to give back in turn.

This recognition doesn't weaken us, it makes us grow. It allows us to build authentic relationships, contribute to something greater than ourselves, and paradoxically, to be freer by accepting our bonds with others.

True strength doesn't consist of saying "I don't owe anyone anything," but of recognizing what we owe others and consciously choosing to give back what we have received. This is true human maturity.